Councilmember Jolene Ivey’s ‘Love Shouldn’t Hurt’ Seminar Gives Voice to Women Eyeing A Better Future. “She Wins Beyond The Bruises,” Documentary Film Premieres March 21

Story and Photos By Raoul Dennis

“Love Shouldn’t Hurt,” a forum on domestic abuse and violence hosted by County Councilmember Jolene Ivey Feb. 14, brought residents together to take a fresh look at the pain of domestic violence and abuse.

The event also included Porsche Williams, Veterans Mental Health Advisory Council, Denise McCain, Director, The Family Justice Center and Fairmount Heights Council Member Stella Hargrove. Maryland National Capital Park Police Accreditation Specialist and Victim-Witness Coordinator Jeffrey S. Gray was also a participant and spokesperson.

Ivey held the event because domestic violence incidents actually are higher on Valentine’s Day.

“Valentine’s Day brings out the worst in some people and domestic violence tends to increase around this time.” Ivey says.

Like many, the councilmember knew someone who is a survivor of domestic violence.

Jolene Ivey w Ms Muhammad and others.JPG

“I have a really good friend whose husband had been abusing her for 25 years. I was in a better position to offer her help because of the information that I have accumulated over the years, but I felt bad that I missed the signs myself,” Ivey said.

The pain of domestic abuse and violence was a shared experience of many in attendance. One woman shared the story of her husband slapping her within three weeks of their wedding day. She believed it was likely the beginning of a lifetime of abuse. But she nipped it in the bud: “I whooped his ass,” she said after the seminar. “When he hit me, I stepped up and put my fist through his ribs and he went down. And I let him know right then, ‘if you ever touch me like that again, I will kill you.’” And although the two remained happily married for over 20 years after that day, most victims are not that fortunate.

In 1971, Anne Sewell’s husband decided “you gonna die tonight, bitch,” and went to get the AR-15 assault rifle that he kept mounted on the wall in the living room. The physical abuse was almost routine but using the gun was different on that night.

Stella Hargrove, Denise McCain, Jolene Ivey, Mildred Muhammad, Porsche Williams. PHOTO COURTESY MONICA YOUNG // OFFICE OF COUNTY COUNCILMEMBER JOLENE IVEY

“He put the gun in my mouth and pulled the trigger but it jammed,” says Sewell who believes God intervened that night.

She managed to get out of the situation – and the marriage. She will be one of three women featured in “She Wins Beyond The Bruises,” a documentary on domestic violence. It will premiere in Chestertown, MD on March 21.

But Sewell, like Ivey and others say the biggest problem most victims face is that they don’t know how to get out of a violent home.

That fact was one of the turning points that made the event unique: the focus shifted from the abused to holding the abuser accountable.

It’s time that family and neighbors and friends of victims stop asking why the victim doesn’t do something about the situation and reach over to the batterer – who is causing the pain - and begin asking them the tough questions.

“We are always asking the victim ‘why don’t you leave,’ but that puts it on the victim. When are we going to start asking the abuser ‘why do you abuse’,” says Mildred Muhammad. Muhammad was the keynote speaker at “Love Shouldn’t Hurt.” She’s the former wife of Washington D.C. area shooter John Allen Muhammad and she suffered through an abusive relationship with him.

Getting out of an abusive relationship is like trying to jump off a runaway train. Although one knows it’s necessary, victims agonize over the first steps – which may seem most painful.

“We wanted to let people know that there are resources available to them,” said Ivey. “We also wanted to honor those who have survived and thrived [the challenges of domestic violence]. That’s why we do this. Love shouldn’t hurt.”

Honored With A County Proclamation

Mildred Muhammad is now a global keynote speaker with the United States State Department and consultant with the U.S. office on Victims and Crime. Muhammad was the keynote speaker at “Love Shouldn’t Hurt.” She explained that abuse may not leave the scars of domestic violence, but that it is just as harmful. “Just because you don’t see the scars, doesn’t mean they’re not there.”

Mildred's children, daughter Taalibah Muhammad (26) and son John Williams Jr. (30) were by her side at the county council ceremony Feb. 18 when Ms. Muhammad was awarded a proclamation by the esteemed body. Daughter Salena Williams (28) was absent from the ceremony due to work.